I'm really sorry!

Hi lovelies! Wow, for being away for so long a person would think I have tons and tons to say but sitting here typing this post out I’m really struggling to put something together. I guess I can start at the most important thing and that is that I’m sorry for disappearing? I’m sorry for neglecting my passion, I’m sorry for not letting you guys in when I felt the most alone and scared and I’m sorry for anyone else I might’ve hurt in the process. I will try and give a bit of an explanation of what happened.

I’ve been suffering from anxiety since I was 10 years old. Did I know I did? No! But I knew something wasn’t right. A logical healthy mind doesn’t wake up one morning and think “Hmmm, I don’t want to go to school because my parents might disappear!”. This lasted for about 3 months but then went away. Not completely though because in the back of my mind there was always this irrational fear of nothingness lurking. Then around 2010 it came back full blown right after I lost my job and made me think the most ridiculous things about my life, my relationships and my insecurities. This stuck around for about 6 months which caused me to struggle sleeping and when I did sleep I got horrible, vivid dreams. Waking up was also horrible. I just wanted to lie in bed and fade away. Anything was better than having to go through another day of just thinking the same things over and over and over again! But again, the “fog” started to lift around 6 months later even though I knew it was still there. But a few years went by and I finally kind off started to forget about the fog until September 2014. In the middle of the 30 Day Challenge the fog came back in full force and in the worst way possible! Again irrational fears, insecurities, unresolved suppressed 10 year old Thea came back. For 2 weeks I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was terrified to go to work, I was terrified of my fiancé! Which crushed me because he is my everything. I hated myself and then...I just stopped feeling. I was this numb floating thing who would look in the mirror and not recognise herself. The class clown. Happy go lucky me was finally the joke. I don’t want to say this to gain sympathy, not at all. But at times I would even think to myself I’d rather not live than not to “feel” anymore. The only things that kept me holding on were my fiancé, my family and my religion. I prayed so many evenings away in my bed, got up early before anyone in the house and prayed to God, begging just to get myself back. Then one evening when I was laying in bed, praying the same chant over and over I suddenly had a moment of clarity and realized that this isn’t normal and that I needed help. So the Monday I made an appointment with our family doctor and went to him on the Wednesday. This alone was horrifying! What if he said it’s all in my mind and that I just need to pull myself together?? What if I don’t get help?? What if I make a laughing stock of myself?? I needed to get better! But alas, he was more than understanding. He listened to my story and spoke to me for quite some time. Then he gave me the diagnosis that I suffer from anxiety. Yes, it is all in my mind but that’s a good thing because all the crap that I feared wasn’t true and I just needed to teach myself that. So for the next few months he put me on a very small dose anxiety medication and gave me some great advice on how to beat the “fog”. As you can see, it has taken me months to finally master the anxiety. I’m now at a stage where even if my body feels the anxiety, my brain or “me” still stays in control. I do still have small episodes here and there but instead of it taking me hours to scrape together the pieces of mental exhaustion, it now takes me about 2 - 5 minutes minutes max! And I don’t fear the anxiety anymore! Also, for the first time in years I can really REALLY breath!

 I hope you guys can forgive me. I really missed everyone immensely and wished I could reach out but I just couldn’t. It’s kind of hard to explain something to someone that you barely understand yourself. News flash though, I’m back! “Me” is back and man, did I miss me! So I will be starting up slowly. Probably a swatch here and there, some reviews and my favourite, nail art! Also, please prepare to be SPAMMED with wedding shenanigans! Only 50 more days till my big day! EEEEEEEEEEEEEP! 

Lots of mad love...